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All or Nothing.

I killed a man. I didn't. I wouldn't be able to. Maybe I could. But that isn't the matter here. If you assigned me such a job, I would have to be completely in or not at all.

I couldn't help you kill a man. But I could kill a man. Which isn't great. Murder is not a great example to use here either. In extremes, I can pretend it doesn't have a deeper meaning because the shock of the example never washes away. Maybe it will, with time.

One foot in the door, one foot out. I couldn't. I would enter your house and ravish it whole or I would leave, never to be seen. I can't leave it half done. Perfectionism paired with procrastination is worrying about the quality of your work before you have started. That worry has taken the joy of my Tuesday holiday away.

I am least worried about what to wear tomorrow. I should stay on theme, I remind myself. I could always use the excuse of traveling to this time period. Maybe I should wear less black for some sort of difference.

Maybe no one cares. I don't, for one. Or do I, if I ponder a paragraph over what to wear? Maybe I do. But in the morning, I will have other things to worry about, like the manual I have been assigned and procrastinating to make.

Another less consequential thing I have been procrastinating on is eating black bean noodles. I have wanted to try it for ages. But I stick to what I know. Cheap and reliable. A good amount of food that will have me straining at my clothes. That's when I know it's enough.

I suspect it's not healthy. Not the noodles. The urge to consume it all in one sitting. It's not as though the world will collapse in the next minute. Actually, it might. But dying with a full stomach isn't a crime. It might be to some.

The two empty dark fantasy boxes stare at me every day. They know I took them all away. One by one. Guiltily, crumbs scatter across my pillow, some stuck in my hair. I have a full box I haven't opened yet on my table.

I know once I have started, I can't stop. I have to ask myself every time I do this: should I kill the man or should I leave him be?

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