Skip to main content

Forget Me Not.

Tamilshaadi.com. Tamilshaadi.com. It's a rhythm that doesn't stop. It comes back, advertising me with marriage websites, humming a rather catchy tune that only comes to my mind at times when I need wit and knowledge. Gallarain kuptacha? That's what I hear; the first word is possibly not right.

As much as the way they sing these lines sticks to my head, I don't need marriage. I am there for the music.

I am listening to the music I have earned the right to listen to. Three advertisements where I have to listen to a music app tell me I can choose the music I want to listen to only if I pay.

The black bean noodles I have wanted to taste forever. At least that procrastination has ended; I have finished the manual as well. A little too late, but the event went well.

All I can think of are the cooked black bean noodles in front of me at this moment. Two friends beside me. One looks slightly dejected. One has eaten it; they say it's a sweet kind of spicy. I am wondering what it's like as the other twists it and puts it into my mouth. It's burning my tongue. It doesn't feel sweet. Maybe if I concentrate, it will.

What kind of flower would our friends be? I said she would be the biggest flower ever, stinking of corpses. I have a mouthful of noodles to demonstrate how wide I can stretch it. I get it from my dad, I say.

I told myself I would wait until everything was done to eat it all. But I have broken my promise, looking at her hand extending a fork full of food into my mouth with an open-mouthed expression.

I think I would be a miserable flower, always asking to be remembered and promised. A forget-me-not. Is that a flower? I know not.

Comments

Popular posts from this blog

Fading Glory.

It's getting worse each time. A stabbing pain pierces the right side of my body. Is it real or fake? I can't tell, but it feels real enough. The pain is undeniable. It's like the cry of an athlete dislocating their knee, or the off-pitch note of a singer losing their voice. Years of honing a craft, developing a skill, and with one accident, one minor moment, it all slips away. It's harrowing to face the prospect of dying on the field you played to stay alive for. The sheer exertion and endurance of these athletes—it's a testament to their dedication. The sweat on their faces is more than just a sheen. Wipe it away, and it reappears. Bruised and darkened knees, common slides on any type of ground—their bodies are used to being used. They throw themselves into their sport until it consumes them entirely. It's both their beauty and their burden. Do the expectations and reports weigh on their shoulders? Aren't we supposed to lift them up on our shoulders? My mat...

Loss.

It's done. In a weird way, I feel nothing. I never feel it when I—when we—win. I feel immense joy and pride, but inside, I feel dead. It's not something I can attribute to anything around me, but rather a hollow void that gnaws at me from within.  It’s more like the crippling pain of loss is the only thing that truly makes me feel, a sharp contrast to success that leaves me questioning everything.  Winning brings a dull ache, a disbelief so deep that it borders on denial, as if the reality of the moment hasn’t quite sunk in yet. It’s as though victory is plastered over by emptiness, a numbness that lingers long after the cheers have died down.  And in that quiet, when the adrenaline fades, I'm left wondering why success feels so lifeless, so devoid of the depth and intensity that failure forces upon me. It’s as if, without the sharp edge of loss, I’m left drifting, unable to truly grasp the meaning of what I’ve achieved.

Permission to Dream.

I had a dream. I ran out of the airport, got into a taxi, then out again, and ran. I ran so fast, yet my left lung didn’t pinch. I ran home. The company house I had called home for so long. I told them it was technically my tharavad. They laughed, and I understood why. But I knew every inch of that place. The way my feet could map the cool tile floors, the small gaps between them, the familiar weight of the air inside, the walls that had seen me through everything. I opened the door, and everything was just as we had left it. It was a dream. It’s been a while since I dreamed. And yet, this one felt jarring—not in a way that unsettled me, but in the way that it confirmed something. I knew I was heading home. I knew the airport, I knew my destination. But as I stepped inside, I felt as though it was telling something. Telling me.  That I could call it home. That I had permission to call it home.