Skip to main content

The Finish Line.

I slept late last night. My legs are tired, and my feet are aching, but I like it. Not the lack of sleep or the sweat on my forehead, but the exhaustion that comes from knowing I worked a little harder.

Sleep takes over easily when you’ve really worked. It’s not a choice; it just happens. A surrender. You wake up and do it all over again. You keep going, even when it’s tough because that’s what you have to do.

Even if you start knowing nothing, you’ll learn. Time will pass, people will remember and forget, and you’ll get better. You have to, right? It seems like you will if you’re consistent, but sometimes it’s hard.

Sometimes, consistency feels like a burden. It can be tiring, and the progress seems slow. It’s tough, but maybe that’s part of it too—the struggle, the moments when you want to stop but don’t.

Sleep is a brief escape. Is it all worth it when it seems so far out of reach? Maybe all of this amounts to something. The fact that I could have reached every step I am taking earlier does come to my mind. But I am here now. 

It takes time, but I am here now. It’s easy to wonder if it could have been different if I had started sooner, if I had known then what I know now. 

Maybe I would have had a different fate, but everything I was running from seems to meet me at the finish line. All I can do is prepare. And go with what comes my way. 

I will let myself walk there without knowing all the answers, uncertain and confused as I am. I move forward because I am uncertain. Because I don't have all the answers.


Comments

Popular posts from this blog

Varuthaayi.

"വരാം," ഞാൻ പറയുമ്പോൾ, "പോകാം" എന്ന് പറയാനുള്ള ആ പേടി. My legs prickle like the seeds of a strawberry, and I feel like tearing myself apart today. I keep picking at the wound that heals every two days, only for it to break open again—blood and flesh. I feel trapped in my own skin, my body will never be what I want it to be. There are things I’m supposed to become, but time is slipping away. I applied for many things. I have sent my name into the void—eight, ten, how many more? They have to call me today. If not, I won’t be who I need to be. Tomorrow, I’ll be hopeless again. I can’t hold on to who I am, so how will time hold on to me? I eat the yellow as if it might bring some joy. One piece is thin and crispy, the bite sounds, and I feel it. The next is thick and bland—someone like me must have cut it. One is unexpectedly sweet, even though it isn’t brown like I expected. How it lies to me. I look in the mirror, I look away. Another is too salty. I eat 250 grams of ...

Permission to Dream.

I had a dream. I ran out of the airport, got into a taxi, then out again, and ran. I ran so fast, yet my left lung didn’t pinch. I ran home. The company house I had called home for so long. I told them it was technically my tharavad. They laughed, and I understood why. But I knew every inch of that place. The way my feet could map the cool tile floors, the small gaps between them, the familiar weight of the air inside, the walls that had seen me through everything. I opened the door, and everything was just as we had left it. It was a dream. It’s been a while since I dreamed. And yet, this one felt jarring—not in a way that unsettled me, but in the way that it confirmed something. I knew I was heading home. I knew the airport, I knew my destination. But as I stepped inside, I felt as though it was telling something. Telling me.  That I could call it home. That I had permission to call it home.

Reaching. Reaching.

What I reached for so long revealed itself today. In the trees, I find peace in the green—to feel small for once, even as the problems of my heart rise as high as the trees. For a moment, they float. They give me purpose. They make me a person when I am struggling to be one.   These trees have saved lives.   So many feelings overwhelm me; my head aches. I dropped her off at the airport, and my room was ill with the scent of home, so I strayed as far as I could while staying as close as I could (to the place I knew most in this foreign land). I stretched out on the stone bench—edit after edit—taking my mind off things. The deer looked at me thrice.   I feel.   I felt as a child. They have revolutionary thoughts, some psychedelic revelation. I was twelve—why did it have to be this way? Three parts torn into to get the fruit. Three different ways: one tries to become a tree, the other shrivels up and dries, and the third, a different color, holds a l...