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The Start.

How to study. I’ve typed this into YouTube a thousand times. We all know the answer is to just start. The question of why it’s so hard to start has been dissected in countless videos. I’m not here to get into that.

The work I’ve been putting off has finally caught up with me, now looming over next week’s exams. I could try to comfort myself afterward, but I’ll be busy with other things by then. So, logically, I must study now and get it over with. My heart will be at ease, and I’ll be able to organize all the work I have to do later more efficiently.

I tied my hair up, cleaned my desk, trashed my bed, and filled my bottle with a liter of water. The textbook still lays open on the first chapter. I did everything right.

But I haven’t read a single line. Maybe these blog posts will serve as a reminder later on. I could compare them with the grades I receive on the respective tests to see exactly why I deserve them, instead of deluding myself and rewarding myself with good food.

My mind flits from one thought to another, skipping from the exam stress to what I’ll eat later, to the idea of sleep, and back again to the textbook, still untouched. 

Maybe it’s the fear of failure that holds me back, the anxiety of not understanding, of falling short of my own expectations. Or perhaps it’s the sheer volume of information. I know that once I start, it will get easier.

So here I am, writing about studying instead of actually doing it. Dipping my toes in instead of diving headfirst. I know I can’t stay here forever, hovering in this in-between space. Either way, this blog is here, in black and white, a record of this struggle.



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