Skip to main content

The Start.

How to study. I’ve typed this into YouTube a thousand times. We all know the answer is to just start. The question of why it’s so hard to start has been dissected in countless videos. I’m not here to get into that.

The work I’ve been putting off has finally caught up with me, now looming over next week’s exams. I could try to comfort myself afterward, but I’ll be busy with other things by then. So, logically, I must study now and get it over with. My heart will be at ease, and I’ll be able to organize all the work I have to do later more efficiently.

I tied my hair up, cleaned my desk, trashed my bed, and filled my bottle with a liter of water. The textbook still lays open on the first chapter. I did everything right.

But I haven’t read a single line. Maybe these blog posts will serve as a reminder later on. I could compare them with the grades I receive on the respective tests to see exactly why I deserve them, instead of deluding myself and rewarding myself with good food.

My mind flits from one thought to another, skipping from the exam stress to what I’ll eat later, to the idea of sleep, and back again to the textbook, still untouched. 

Maybe it’s the fear of failure that holds me back, the anxiety of not understanding, of falling short of my own expectations. Or perhaps it’s the sheer volume of information. I know that once I start, it will get easier.

So here I am, writing about studying instead of actually doing it. Dipping my toes in instead of diving headfirst. I know I can’t stay here forever, hovering in this in-between space. Either way, this blog is here, in black and white, a record of this struggle.



Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Ominous Positivity: Reflecting on Korea Day

It's inevitable. The poetry and prose can only shield me from vulnerability for so long. Someone is bound to read through the poorly written literary devices and figure out the true meaning of all my works that I run away from by writing it (How presumptuous). Or no one cares.  The latter is the greater possibility. I find comfort in it, no one cares. And on some days, it's despair in how no one cares.  True to my character, I am going to switch the topic to another one. For today, I wish to reminisce on Korea Day and as much as I would love to say it started with me speaking Korean and having a wonderful day. It didn't. I sat on my glasses.  Having a power of -6 and allegedly even more, I can't move around without my glasses as there is a possibility I will fall into a ditch, the depth perception does lessen when you can't perceive objects, it turns out.  It was frustrating, the whole sitting on glasses debacle. I had never done it before. Out of character as I wou...
Post a Comment
Read more

The Chase to Curfew.

My heart is out of my chest. It's in my throat, beating like it's struggling to stay alive. But it's more alive than ever. The curfew is at 7 PM. You know it, I know it. Everyone knows it. Especially the duos that linger at Martin Junction. Yet we all love to tease the limits of how far a body can run and make it in time. The urgency, the need, the frustration, the fulfillment. There’s something exhilarating about skirting the edge of danger. About feeling the adrenaline course through your veins as the clock ticks down. I reach out for it during exams, actively working towards it—to be sleep-deprived and see how far I can push myself and still dish out something legible. I always take that one fake quote in stride, "Edison built the electric bulb in a night," or something of that sort. It's fake for multiple reasons, the stealing allegations aside. But it brings me hope. And this hope is quite delusional when it’s not accompanied by action. You can call it pr...
Post a Comment
Read more

Rainy Reflections.

What do I write today? I pondered for hours while doing mundane tasks. The sunlight stayed with me for a while, then it left, all alone, before the tube of electricity joined my thoughts. "Aren't you eating dinner?" asked my roommate. That's when I finally broke the silence I had condemned myself to until I wrote. I ate dinner and drank tea instead of coffee because I wanted to sleep earlier. I came back to my room, determined to write the third blog post. I couldn't give up so soon, could I? The sounds of doors and windows slamming against the walls, screeching laughter, and people running around seeped into my room. "It's cool outside, the rain, it's raining," said my roommate. I am not a huge fan of the rain. It always made me moody. I wasn't a hater either. Something in me whispered back to my roommate, "It's raining? It's raining!" I jumped up barefoot and ran out to feel the cool breeze against my face. My feet felt th...
Post a Comment
Read more