Atlas Couldn't Hold Me.

He wouldn't know anything of a weight that you don't carry on your shoulders, of one that crushes you from within. Does it cave into his bones as it does mine?

We never chose this. Who would? I was born one way; who says I must stay that way? I was born 5 pounds and a kilo of expectations.

Why must I shed something to become myself? When was this placed on me? When I took a breath as myself, it crushed my ribs. I didn’t know the pain was so sharp.

They say forgiveness flows like a river, but mine runs dry. Each flower I tried to grow dies. I used to long for a self I could love. I wish I could feel air in my lungs.

I try. It’s suffocating. What crushes me isn’t close to me; it kills me from within. When was the seed of death planted in me? Why do I yearn for a sense of purpose this much? Why does my fight not die out? It would be much easier if it did.

Why do my bones take more to break? Endure, endure, endure. Feel it through and through. It’s almost as if I can endure enough to be myself. Maybe I will be able to stomach the idea of myself someday. For now, I drink the pink liquid.

I will drink until I change. I can’t stomach change. I throw it all up like yesterday.

He can’t hold me; neither can they.

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Ominous Positivity: Reflecting on Korea Day

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What do I write today? I pondered for hours while doing mundane tasks. The sunlight stayed with me for a while, then it left, all alone, before the tube of electricity joined my thoughts. "Aren't you eating dinner?" asked my roommate. That's when I finally broke the silence I had condemned myself to until I wrote. I ate dinner and drank tea instead of coffee because I wanted to sleep earlier. I came back to my room, determined to write the third blog post. I couldn't give up so soon, could I? The sounds of doors and windows slamming against the walls, screeching laughter, and people running around seeped into my room. "It's cool outside, the rain, it's raining," said my roommate. I am not a huge fan of the rain. It always made me moody. I wasn't a hater either. Something in me whispered back to my roommate, "It's raining? It's raining!" I jumped up barefoot and ran out to feel the cool breeze against my face. My feet felt th...

bone crush

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