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Indecisive.

I backed out. I said it. I did it. After everything that was said and done, I said no. I don’t really know how I feel about it. It went smoothly, but the thoughts of what it might bring, or what it might not, make me tense. Sometimes, it feels like I can’t fully express what I’m feeling. It’s like someone else is trying to dictate how I talk, move, and feel. Why can’t I just be confused? Is it wrong to be indecisive for a moment? I don’t know.

It’s almost as if I can’t make my own choices, like I’m not trusted enough to handle them. The residual anger that follows is so frustrating. I don’t know what I did to make them feel this upset. The glares, the stares—I feel it all too well. As much as I pretend to be unbothered, I feel everything. And maybe it’s a good thing because some people are cruel to the core. The more I think about it, the more I realize how deeply it all cuts, even if I try to act like it doesn’t. I guess that’s just how it is—feeling everything but pretending not to.

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