Skip to main content

Not Your Cup of Tea.

Doing what you want is meant to be liberating. At the moment, it's uncomfortable and doesn't feel right; it feels incredibly wrong. 

Doing things that require you to advocate for yourself means that you are subject to the judgement of others. The things you want and why you want are questioned.

You are confronted with the reality that you aren't everyone's cup of tea. It's not that you expected to be but it's a harsh blow to realize it regardless.  

Today, I did something for the first time; I received a humorous response that bordered on one that could crush me before. My sensitivity played a part in how deeply I felt it. 

While I understood the response, placing so much value on recognition left me unexpectedly heartbroken. It's nonsensical, I know, but it's a feeling I'm struggling to shake off.

It's okay to feel a little crushed, but internalizing it to the extent that you avoid that experience for years isn't the answer. As a child, such reactions affect you deeply, and as an adult, they still leave their mark.

I took it in jest. It worked. 

I have also realized these changes aren't easy on people around you either, for a multitude of reasons.

Some people like to pull others down with them. 

Those friends don't help water your flowers. They let you stay and rot in your comfort zone. It's quite hard to realize that some people don't want the best for you. Because it challenges their view of this easy friendship where one gives and the other takes.

Let that growth be uncomfortable, clinging to every crevice of the unforgiving wall to overcome and continue growing.

It's embarrassing, it's not ideal. It's a learning process and as a human, aiming for growth in such a consuming area means you must express yourself in front of people. All kinds of people. To learn how to care and not at the same time.

This mask you've put up must fall. And it's hard to let yourself be judged, not the character you've played. You have no excuse when confronted with yourself, the reality of who you are and what you've done.

It's daunting, the idea of meeting yourself. It challenges your relationship with yourself and that one-sided transaction where you take but never give.

You are a stranger to yourself. Know who you're trying to cover up. And why. It's scary, but must it remain hidden?

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Is It Casual Now?

There’s a line that sits between us—a hesitation that hangs in the air. Let my silence speak. It’s awkward, yes, but it’s real. Why should I feel bad for you when the hurt is mine to carry? I can see where you’re coming from, but the choice was yours. If the words were empty, why let them out? If you didn’t mean it, why not say so? Just don’t say it at all, or let me know it was never meant to hold weight. But now, I find myself asking—is this what we’ve come to? Has it all become casual, something to brush off like it was nothing? Letting things go because it’s easier than facing the truth?  If that’s the case, then maybe that line I drew wasn’t just a pause. Maybe it was a boundary, a way to protect what’s left of something real. Something that matters. Because once it’s all casual, what’s left but empty gestures and hollow promises?  I wonder if this is how it starts—when words lose their weight and actions feel more like habits than choices. When we start ignoring the smal...
Post a Comment
Read more

Varuthaayi.

"വരാം," ഞാൻ പറയുമ്പോൾ, "പോകാം" എന്ന് പറയാനുള്ള ആ പേടി. My legs prickle like the seeds of a strawberry, and I feel like tearing myself apart today. I keep picking at the wound that heals every two days, only for it to break open again—blood and flesh. I feel trapped in my own skin, my body will never be what I want it to be. There are things I’m supposed to become, but time is slipping away. I applied for many things. I have sent my name into the void—eight, ten, how many more? They have to call me today. If not, I won’t be who I need to be. Tomorrow, I’ll be hopeless again. I can’t hold on to who I am, so how will time hold on to me? I eat the yellow as if it might bring some joy. One piece is thin and crispy, the bite sounds, and I feel it. The next is thick and bland—someone like me must have cut it. One is unexpectedly sweet, even though it isn’t brown like I expected. How it lies to me. I look in the mirror, I look away. Another is too salty. I eat 250 grams of ...
Post a Comment
Read more

Where's My Present?

"True consistency isn’t about frequency—it’s about identity. It is about becoming the kind of person who does what needs to be done, no matter what." For a long time, I thought I knew what I wanted. I chased internships, opportunities, and the validation that came with them. These things were within reach, yet the more I pursued them, the more they felt disconnected from who I was.  It wasn’t that they were bad opportunities—they were, by most standards, great ones. And I wouldn't pass them up if I did get them. But they weren’t my purpose, I realize. They didn’t align with the person I wanted to become.  I had let them define so much of what I did, and in that pursuit, I lost sight of the deeper question: What do I actually want? Ironically, chasing them helped me realize that they were never my end goal to begin with.   Yet, the pressure I put on myself was unbearable. The competitiveness I internalized made failure feel worse than death itself. Fear reduced me to ...
Post a Comment
Read more