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Not Your Cup of Tea.

Doing what you want is meant to be liberating. At the moment, it's uncomfortable and doesn't feel right; it feels incredibly wrong. 

Doing things that require you to advocate for yourself means that you are subject to the judgement of others. The things you want and why you want are questioned.

You are confronted with the reality that you aren't everyone's cup of tea. It's not that you expected to be but it's a harsh blow to realize it regardless.  

Today, I did something for the first time; I received a humorous response that bordered on one that could crush me before. My sensitivity played a part in how deeply I felt it. 

While I understood the response, placing so much value on recognition left me unexpectedly heartbroken. It's nonsensical, I know, but it's a feeling I'm struggling to shake off.

It's okay to feel a little crushed, but internalizing it to the extent that you avoid that experience for years isn't the answer. As a child, such reactions affect you deeply, and as an adult, they still leave their mark.

I took it in jest. It worked. 

I have also realized these changes aren't easy on people around you either, for a multitude of reasons.

Some people like to pull others down with them. 

Those friends don't help water your flowers. They let you stay and rot in your comfort zone. It's quite hard to realize that some people don't want the best for you. Because it challenges their view of this easy friendship where one gives and the other takes.

Let that growth be uncomfortable, clinging to every crevice of the unforgiving wall to overcome and continue growing.

It's embarrassing, it's not ideal. It's a learning process and as a human, aiming for growth in such a consuming area means you must express yourself in front of people. All kinds of people. To learn how to care and not at the same time.

This mask you've put up must fall. And it's hard to let yourself be judged, not the character you've played. You have no excuse when confronted with yourself, the reality of who you are and what you've done.

It's daunting, the idea of meeting yourself. It challenges your relationship with yourself and that one-sided transaction where you take but never give.

You are a stranger to yourself. Know who you're trying to cover up. And why. It's scary, but must it remain hidden?

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