Skip to main content

Loop Around Me.

Slowly crochet around me, inch by inch, wrapping me in soft yarn. The thin instrument clinks when it falls, and I know because it slipped from my fingers before. I pick it up and try again. I don’t know how to crochet, but there’s something comforting about the idea of surrounding myself in those simple, repetitive patterns. 

Each loop feels like a tiny shield. Don’t let them find me. I want to stay hidden, away from the red numbers circled on the calendar, the ones that demand attention and insist I show up. Don't let them find me. Compromise, sacrifice, just be there until you aren't here anymore. I don't think I have anymore to give.

To dream to your idea of realistic, to see visions only you can see and execute. If I leaped, you’d say I jumped the wrong way.

You tell me to dream within your limits, to shape my vision to fit your reality. But it’s mine because I see it clearly. I believe in it, even if you can’t. Don’t look at me with doubt; I need you to trust in what I’m trying to create. If you choose me, take me fully, with all my flaws and hopes. Or is there some easier way for me to fade away quietly? To be here, but not really?

Comments

  1. everything you write, I relate to it, it's like we both have the same day all the time, Great work once again

    ReplyDelete

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Varuthaayi.

"വരാം," ഞാൻ പറയുമ്പോൾ, "പോകാം" എന്ന് പറയാനുള്ള ആ പേടി. My legs prickle like the seeds of a strawberry, and I feel like tearing myself apart today. I keep picking at the wound that heals every two days, only for it to break open again—blood and flesh. I feel trapped in my own skin, my body will never be what I want it to be. There are things I’m supposed to become, but time is slipping away. I applied for many things. I have sent my name into the void—eight, ten, how many more? They have to call me today. If not, I won’t be who I need to be. Tomorrow, I’ll be hopeless again. I can’t hold on to who I am, so how will time hold on to me? I eat the yellow as if it might bring some joy. One piece is thin and crispy, the bite sounds, and I feel it. The next is thick and bland—someone like me must have cut it. One is unexpectedly sweet, even though it isn’t brown like I expected. How it lies to me. I look in the mirror, I look away. Another is too salty. I eat 250 grams of ...

Where's My Present?

"True consistency isn’t about frequency—it’s about identity. It is about becoming the kind of person who does what needs to be done, no matter what." For a long time, I thought I knew what I wanted. I chased internships, opportunities, and the validation that came with them. These things were within reach, yet the more I pursued them, the more they felt disconnected from who I was.  It wasn’t that they were bad opportunities—they were, by most standards, great ones. And I wouldn't pass them up if I did get them. But they weren’t my purpose, I realize. They didn’t align with the person I wanted to become.  I had let them define so much of what I did, and in that pursuit, I lost sight of the deeper question: What do I actually want? Ironically, chasing them helped me realize that they were never my end goal to begin with.   Yet, the pressure I put on myself was unbearable. The competitiveness I internalized made failure feel worse than death itself. Fear reduced me to ...

A Start. Maybe.

January 4th. That’s when I started writing my diary—not the 1st, not when I was supposed to. Already late. Already behind. And that feeling hasn’t left me since.   I keep skipping things I shouldn’t. I sign up for things and never follow through. I tell myself I’ll get it together, but I don’t. Money slips away. Time slips away. I try routines, I set goals, I make plans—nothing sticks.   Every conversation feels like I’m talking to myself. Every piece of work I create is full of I, me, myself. I can’t escape it, and honestly, I’m tired of it.   But here’s the thing: I need to be stronger than I am. I need to get my driver’s license. I need to stop running in circles before I turn 20 and wonder where all this time went.   The diary feels like a sham, but at least I’m still writing, I guess. I had not even written it for a long time. Maybe that’s something.   I want to know that the sun is there even if its not facing me. I want to feel th...